Monday, March 26, 2012


Me. Not J.  J is doing great. 

I'm the one who is struggling.  I need to make changes.  This working mom is overwhelmed.  I need to find peace. 

I'm working on introducing the Lord to J, and it amazes me how quickly he catches on to things.  It will seem like I'm repeating myself endlessly, then I turn around & he is saying things to me about how "God made him, before he was in my tummy and that is why he wasn't at my princess day"

Princess Day is how J refers to our wedding pictures.

Last week, Mr. M & I did a lot of soul searching as an opportunity came up for me at the University of Chicago.  It would have allowed me to have around 2 additional hours with J per day.  It would have allowed him to sleep in an additional hour in the morning.  It would have cut my pay 70%. 

With gas predictions to be at or near $6 per gallon by July, Matt & I decided this wasn't the right opportunity for me.  There is just too much risk & uncertainty in his job.  Having struggled as a child, Matt does not want that for Jacob.  I have to respect that, having never seen things from his perspective. 

For me, it boiled down that I would still be away from Jacob more than I was with him.  The job required my attendance 5 days a week, as opposed to flex days of 2 10 hour days I had envisioned.  The out of pocket for healthcare was $335/month with an additional $90/month in parking.  They had requested I work late every Friday & that I would work some weekends. 

All of which would equal additional childcare needed.

The whole point of my going part-time is to spend more time with Jacob. 

So, here we are...

I spoke with my current boss Wednesday after work to see what my options were here... I don't believe in using one job to get another, instead I laid my cards on the table - this is not working.  She said she realized in January that due to Matt's job, I'm in a lot of ways - like a single mother without a support system.  As a result, the role she wanted me to play, the role I'm more than capable of succeeding at, the role that she pushed me out of my 4 in 40 schedule for, is the same one she decided should not be pushed on me.

It would set me up to fail.

As I said to her, I made my choice to be a mom the day I had J.  That was never up for discussion.  That was never a debate.  But at the end of the day, I carry our healthcare.  We need my job for that.

But as things stood, I could not continue.  And she'd rather have me for 40 than some others for 60 hours per week. 

Today... We are making changes here.  We are changing things up.  We are making moves to reduce my long nights.

I believe this to be a ticking time bomb, in regards to the remainder of my group - but for today, this is our plan.

Miss Cheryl will continue to pick J up after school.  She will continue to do dinner & bedtime a couple days a month during close / forecast - but that's it.  And we will forever be eternally grateful for her.

I'm going to make a point to be home before 6.  I'm going to start doing our dinners & J & I will be eating together.  J loves to help out in the kitchen, so I think this will be good for him too. 

Spring has arrived, and with it - hope is a bloom. 

A time for new beginnings.
A time for renewed joy.
A time for hope.
A time for song.

And I'm going to work on not holding everything in here.  I'm going to try to start being less of a mom, and more of a working mom.  I don't want J to ever think I'm choosing to work over spending time with him.  He needs to know how much I struggle for this.  How much I love him, even if I am not choosing to be with him 24/7. 

Matt & I both grew up with stay at home moms & we had such very different experiences.  My dad was an engineer by week/solider 1 weekend a month & 2 weeks in the summer & his was a public servant.  I was the youngest, drug to all my older brother's activities, being old enough to sit & entertain myself quietly.  He was the oldest with two siblings a decade behind him.  I grew up next to a working cow farm in mid-Michigan, he grew up in the City of Chicago.  Our situations lended themselves to very different childhoods. 

And now our son is getting a third.  One so very different than either of ours.  One of an only child.  One of a dual income family.  One of suburb to a major city without actually being a part of it.  One of elite private schooling.  One that includes Miss Cheryl.

Matt & I hope & pray that the benefits outweigh the consequences of being our child.  We hope & pray that J understands my psoriasis & psoriatic arthritis make having independent insurance near impossible.  That he understands small business insurance is more insane than independent insurance.  That he understands that everytime his skin acts up with an excema flare, I worry it will not calm down again & instead be psoriasis on him.  We hope that he understands how desperately we wanted him & how blessed we are to have him a part of our life. 

How every choice & decision we make today is with him in our hearts.

He may have not been there on our wedding day, but since he was conceived, he has been a part of our souls.

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