Thursday, September 18, 2014

One foot in front of the other...

When I last posted here, I had every good intention of getting back into blogging.  Back into the swing of the things in my life that were not tied with my survival.

I've failed.


I wish, for J, I could explain why, but some things are better left unexplained.  Explanations do not excuse my lack of recording his big moments.  Not blogging on his first graduation or all the moments I've shared on FB, but not here.  And I'm certain there are moments he won't forget, that I'm sure we all wish were forgotten.  He has grown up so much in the past year.  He is so much more knowing and serious.  Watching him spiral out of control in one of my better moments, knowing the only way to fix this is to give into it - and yet - holding strong that these tears will pass & he will be okay, remind me how young he still is.  I love that he still wants Mommy snuggles at night.  I love that he can rock it out at a Garth concert between his dad & me.  I love that he can roll the next day with all the maturity of a teenager.  Yes, I may have sheltered the day with discouraging TV, a known trigger for his meltdowns.  By celebrating a morning of housework with a lunch a Chilli's, his favorite place to eat.  Enjoying the early fall weather with play time in the neighborhood.

But at the end of the day, it's really - he's just a great kid.  A kid that is still learning.  One that is in the daily process of learning the consequences of his choices.  Some he will like, some he will hate, and sometimes he will hate me.  I'm learning to be okay with that.  To realize there are moments I don't necessarily love being a mom, and that it is okay for me to feel that way.  Sometimes I fail at hiding it.  I hope I'm teaching J to be humble when I apologize to him later for losing my mind & yelling at him.  I hope he hears me when I say, "It's okay for me to get frustrated with you - I'm human.  It's not okay for me lose my cool in front of you.  I'm sorry.  I will try harder next time."

Lately I've felt pulled towards God.  Felt pulled to trust in Him.  He will lead the way, and quiet my soul.  Moments of saying good-bye to our our beloved dog at age 13 when she started having seizures, and J looking at us so innocently and telling us it would be okay.  In Heaven, Payton will get to run and play with Hannah again.  Both would be healthy and happy, eating steak for dinner every day.  They'd be waiting for us.

Mr. M & I looked at each other - where did you learn this Bud?

From Mom.

Wow.  Maybe I'm doing a better job than I've thought recently.

And I definitely need to get this boy into a church class because he absorbs the Word like a sponge.  For that I am blessed.

So here I am, stepping back on the saddle.  Or keyboard.  I'm not committing to grabbing every moment or even the big moments.  I will not promise to come back & play catchup on the stuff I missed.

I'm just going to commit to the time I fell pulled.  I'm going to write, like I did today, what is in my heart yearning to be shared.  J this is for you.  I love you & your dad so much.

Today, I realize how blessed & I am.  Today I thank the Lord.

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