Thursday, June 20, 2013

A Mother's Love....

Father's too, but I write this, so it's about me.

My love. 

Today, I was reading, getting caught up on a blog that caught my attention while the family was enduring my worst fear.  My fear, since the day I learned I was carrying you inside me.

One that I cried over when I slipped on my front lawn at 4 weeks while starting the sprinkler & running away with the joy only a new mom after dealing with infertility can know.

One that had me on the couch at 12.5 weeks when I spotted with you. 

One that had me frozen in fear the last 8 weeks I spent on bed rest.

The fear of losing you to God in Heaven.  I pray.  We pray.  I want you to love and meet God one day.  Just not before me.  A parent should never have a child die before they do, but it happens.  Every day.  The closest I have ever experienced was the loss of twins to very close friends.  As I read Anna's blog, I wonder if they still grieve as she does... I pray for comfort to be granted.  And I wish yet again, we lived closer.

It also makes me realize that I take so many moments with you for granted.  The moments when I am tired and cranky and possibly not in best graces with your Dad... I snap.  I get annoyed.  I'm not the mom I want to be for you.   

I'm sorry.  I cherish so much the time we spend together, I'm sorry I lose sight of that at times.  I kick myself when you do something so unbelievably careless and I snap instead of thank God you are safe and not hurt.

Most recent example - Monday...

Me:  "J - please sit nicely on the stool so you won't fall"

You:  "I won't watch"  you proceed to screw around & go kerblunk on the floor.

Me:  gasp in horror & relief you landed on your knees... Thoughts of broken bones flying through my mind.

J:  "See mommy, I didn't get hurt."

Ohmywordchild... Huge sigh...  And yes, you are no longer allowed to sit on said stool.  It is off limits until Mommy can breathe again.

Thankfully you seem to get it when we talk about it afterwards and tell me you understand my sharp tone is over fear and not anger.  But how can you?  You are 5.  You shouldn't have to understand this differential yet.  I should be better.

But I think, what matters most about reading her journey is she reminds me it okay to be human.  To not let the mommy guilt overwhelm me, and to take comfort in the Lord.  Take comfort in the moments with you where I rock it.  Those far outweigh the bad moments.  And I pray that they are far more meaningful & memorable to you.

I'm going to keep reminding myself...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me – Philippians 4:13 NKJV

If I can keep this at the forefront of my mind, possibly I can navigate my way through mothering your powerfully independent and curious nature.  You make me so proud and honored to be your mom.

I love you Monkey!!!

Or as I tell you - "I love you the whole world and back again."

You try to top me with "Well, I love you infinite and beyond"

thank you Buzz!

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